Broke Men and Shaming

Broke shaming men has become normalized & yet society still wonders why a lot of men are sinking in depression & su!cide in men continues to rise

And the craziest part of it all is the narrative that is driven about broke men, that they’re either lazy, stupid or irresponsible. This is farther from the truth, because no man is ever at peace being unable to provide, be it for his parents, siblings, relatives, woman or children

Every single day he feels disappointed in himself. He will do anything to change his financial situation – take any kind of job be it risky or embarrassing. Take any kind of disrespect just so he can earn some money

Because every man as Chris Rock said knows, “Only women, children & dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something”

Without money he knows, his parents feel let down, his siblings belittle him, his woman disrespects him, his children are embarrassed by him, his friends use him & he is irrelevant in society

And he is lonely, he knows no one is coming to save him. The world is brutal. Earth is hard.

Keeping Women In The Dark

Sometimes a man has to say “Don’t worry I’ve got this” or “I’ll fix it” or “I’ll work something out” even when he has absolutely no idea what to do, not out of egoism or a desire to be deliberately misleading, but because he doesn’t have the luxury of “not knowing”.

He has to say these things to reassure the woman, to protect both himself and her from the ravages of her runaway neuroticism. If he tells her he’s improvising and lacks a plan, she will worry, and when she worries she will increase his stress load with negative emotional outbursts, making it harder for him to address the source problem he’s already struggling with.

He doesn’t have the luxury of not knowing, because the only thing worse than not knowing what to do is not knowing what to do whilst a woman panics, her neuroticism triggered by the situational uncertainty, he will have to divert his attention away from the source problem to fix the more emergent and pressing problem that’s resulted from her believing he can’t handle it – calming down the hysterical woman.

This is why the man always has to seem like he’s got it all under control and knows what he’s doing even when he doesn’t and hasn’t got a clue, often figuring things out along the way by himself – because if he was fully transparent and included his woman in the process, she would worsen the situation with her worries, necessitating further emotional labour from him with the amount of reassurance she requires, which only further undermines his ability to fix the problem by diverting his attention away from the source issue. More efficient then to just reassure her off the bat even when you don’t know what to do, than being honest about not knowing what to do and having to reassure her ten times more because your uncertainty is stressing her.

And before you deride women for being like this – this isn’t even a conscious or malicious choice on their part, it’s just one of the drawbacks of their neuroticism – making bad situations worse by overreacting and mounting further stress and pressure on the shoulders of the men they expect to fix it.

They just “want the bad thing to go away” – they don’t want to hear the man who is meant to “make the bad thing go away” say he doesn’t know how to make it go away.

This is why we keep woman in the dark – to stop them worrying and to make problem solving easier on ourselves – life’s hard enough without adding a worrying woman to the equation.

Forgive your father

Take it from someone who knows the importance of a father & the impact of losing one. Forgive your father for not playing his part as you think he ought to have. Enough with the accusations & belittling “If my father was rich, I won’t be suffering today” or “What was he doing when his mates were making money?”, it’s not like his father passed wealth to him & he wasted it

Once you start making money & have people depend on you for their survival, you’d know how hard a father’s role is. I believe fathers aren’t appreciated enough, a lot of them do embarrassing jobs, take disrespect from their bosses, work endlessly barely resting, just to make money to take care of their families

Even if your father is a poor man, still respect him. Know this, no man will be at peace with him being unable to provide for his home. He might not show it, but it eats him every single day. And don’t think he’s too lazy to think of plan or implement it, life happens, things don’t always go according to plan. But know this, every father wishes to be a father his children would be proud of

That your father is a drunkard isn’t a reason to disrespect him. Sometimes the only escape he has from thoughts of failing to live up to your expectations is through the bottle. Cut him slack, nothing stresses a man than the inability to give his children the world

Respect your father regardless of his status in society & his financial situation. You have to obey him. You have to love him. You must understand his life path & mistakes. You are a man, you will make mistakes as well. Respect him.

Old Sugar

You meet her in the boardroom while trying to make your bones. You don’t think much of her because while she’s stealing glances, you’re fumbling through your presentation and wiping beads of sweat from your forehead and you can tell the suits in the room are not impressed.

After you’re done, you make for the door ready to disappear. But before you do, a voice calls. It’s her. She pulls you into the corridors. “I’m Joan, the Supply-Chain-Manager. That was impressive.” You cough and get the feeling of being pranked. “Ben, right? Let’s have lunch and celebrate your contract.”

You give her a second glance. She looks early-fifties. You probably remind her of her son. “Okay,” you sing. “Tomorrow noon.” She gives you her card. “That’s my personal line, text me your address. I’ll pick you up.”

She shows up in a Mercedes. You pull up to a 5 Star Hotel. She orders Chardonnay for both of you then gets into her purse and pulls a box. “This is for you.” You open it to find a watch. Patek Philippe is written under its glass. “Don’t just look at it, try it on,” she adds.

You don’t know much about watches but you can tell it’s costly. “How much is this?” “It’s not about money,” she says placing her hand on yours. “Thank you,” you stammer. “Don’t mention it.” She smiles and brushes her leg with yours.

“Let’s take this somewhere private. I reserved a room for us,” she says bluntly. “Okay.” You agree, like any hot-blooded young man with blue balls, the size of Jupiter would.

Your romance begins. She puts you on an allowance, settles you in a furnished apartment, and gives you the keys to her Touareg. You enjoy the lifestyle for a time but it doesn’t last because with the allowance, car, and apartment younger women start noticing you.

“Let’s take a break,” you say while in bed with her on a lazy Sunday. “No,” she says with finality. “If we take a break, Patek takes a break, your allowance, your car, your apartment. They all take a break.”

You wonder how you will start over when you have gotten lazy. When you get applause even when you do a lousy job? You look at her. She repulses you. Her wrinkles, her authority, her money. You cuddle her. She gasps. “Oh, one last thing, that contract I got you, the one you are thinking of falling back on after you leave. Yes, it takes a break too.”

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐬 in 9 minutes.

A buddy of mine committed suicide yesterday because he was so disappointed with the disparity between his expectations and the reality of his life’s struggles.

I’ve compiled my top 9 most painful life lessons in the hopes that they’ll help you avoid the same mistakes I made.

𝟏. 𝐃𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐠𝐫𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

No one has the responsibility of treating you well, except your mother and father.

To those who are good to you, you have to treasure it and be thankful, and ALSO you have to be cautious, because, everyone has a motive for every move.

When a person is good to you, it does not mean he really will be good to you.

You have to be careful, don’t hastily regard him as a real friend.

𝟐. 𝐍𝐨 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞, 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬.

Once you understand this idea, it would be easier for you to go through life when people around you don’t want you anymore, or when you lose what you wanted the most.

𝟑. 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭.

When you waste your life today, tomorrow you would find that life is leaving you.

The earlier you treasure your life, the better you enjoy life.

𝟒. 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐚 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐟𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐧𝐞’𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐝.

If your so called loved one leaves you, be patient, time will wash away your aches and sadness.

Don’t 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐚𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 the beauty and sweetness of love, and don’t over exaggerate the sadness of falling out of love.

𝟓. 𝐀 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐛𝐲 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝!

Whatever 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐞𝐝𝐠𝐞 you gain is your weapon in life.

One can go from rags to riches, but one has to start from some rags!

𝟔. 𝐍𝐞𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐨 𝐈 𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲, 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐬𝐨 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞.

Your parents responsibility as a supporter ends when you are grown up.

After that, you decide whether you want to travel in a public transport or in your limousine, whether rich or poor.

𝟕. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐨.

You can be good to people, but don’t expect people to be good to you.

If you don’t understand this, you would end up with unnecessary troubles.

𝟖. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐮𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐳𝐞.

That shows if you want to be rich, you have to work hard!

There is no free lunch!

𝟗. 𝐋𝐞𝐭’𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬, 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞.

Whether or if we would cross paths again in the next life is an open question.

“Honey, you can put a monkey in a suit but you can’t buy it class.”

I was born a rich girl in a family of three children. But that’s not my superpower. My superpower is that I can tell you within the first minute or less of interacting with a man whether he’s a fool.

I have a superpower of picking out a fool in one minute or less after interacting with a man, so I knew when I had landed a good one. But there was one problem. You see, Joseph was not well off. He was a mechanic who lived in a shack and drove a jalopy but I saw his kindness, his charm, and his erudition. I saw a man who did not wear hubris like a second skin and feel accomplished for it. But my parents would have none of it.

They raised an eyebrow and whispered between themselves when they first saw him. He didn’t look the way our inner circle did; like money. To me, money was secondary, a piece of paper. Besides, there is a cure for being broke but there is no cure for fools.

I pulled my mom aside and brought this up. “Andrea don’t be ridiculous, you can put a monkey in a suit but you can’t buy it class. Honey, please don’t make us the butt of jokes and innuendo,” she brushed me off brusquely. It was my fault. I expected too much from a woman who had gotten married to a fool.

I told you in the beginning, I come from a rich family and we don’t just marry anyone. My brother married the governor’s daughter. My sister married a CEO’s son, and I was set to marry the president of a clothing company but like most men, he turned out to be a fool.

I had gone to his house once or twice. A mansion with a bevy of maids but he still dropped hints that he wanted me to take care of him. I had spent a weekend at my sister’s matrimonial home to understand what he meant. Cooking for him, washing his clothes, waiting with a pot of hot food on those late nights when he happened to stagger to his mistress before coming home. I was not cut out to be a maid, what made him think I would agree to slavery?

Andrea

My sister had beamed when she first introduced her fiancé to us. I mean my parents arranged it but she behaved as if it was new stuff. I could only guess that they had already slept together and the sex was good, good, but was it enough for her to be a slave? I did my part. I used my superpower. His regal manner, muscles, and eloquence did not fool me, not once, not when I had been doing this for years. Yes, he had a straight ‘A’ in blithering fool.

I pulled her to the side and told her it was better for her to be a damsel in distress all her life than to sup with a buffoon but she didn’t listen. Not when the sex was good, good. More than once during my visit I heard her whimpering in her room and when I asked, she said something had gotten into her eye. I did not know things getting into your eye made mucus run rivers down your nostrils and your body convulse with hiccups. But my point was clear. You could not fight the superpower—it was disturbingly accurate.

I called my dad to the side and told him my distress. “Andrea, you know we don’t just marry anybody in this house. Marriages, for us, transcend love. They are about strengthening our family empire. You have to get this mechanic out of your head.”

But that’s the thing. I could not get him out of my head. “I will run away with him before I marry one of your arrangements,” I heard myself roar, refusing to be moved like a pawn on some board for my family’s selfish whims. My dad held my hand, his nails digging into my skin enough to draw blood.

“You will do what we tell you to do,” he barked before letting go.

My parents knew I was willful but even I did not anticipate what they did next. Joseph was uplifted from his lowly mechanic shop in the ghetto and given an apprenticeship in the dealership of one of my dad’s friends. A year later he was the managing director of the company and the year after that, we were in church saying our wedding vows before the eyes of God and men.

And then he became a fool.

Joseph

I was born a poor boy in a family of eleven but that is not my superpower. My superpower is knowing my place. The world lies to all of us, it makes us believe that ambition is a beautiful thing when really, it’s dangerous. I have read enough books to fear ambition. Starting from The Great Gatsby, many foolish men see their ruin in its hands.

You see, before Andrea, I didn’t have any illusions of grandeur. I didn’t want to be rich, neither did I want status and I believed it made me happier. I played my role humbly as a lowly mechanic. Diligently waking up in the morning and taking a cold bath from my faded, blue basin. Having my sugarless tea with yams before heading to my shop.

I would have married a Class 8 dropout—Form 4, if I got lucky—and we would have had six or eleven children and I would have worked day and night in my mechanic shop to provide for them, oblivious of ambition. That was before Andrea showed up in her Mercedes and kept showing up even when it did not have an issue.

At first, I thought people would jump from the nearby bushes with cameras to tell me that it was a prank and I was on some live TV show but that never happened and she kept coming around. Eating ugali and sukuma wiki with me at my favorite kibanda, staying a minute longer in my shop, dusting and arranging my tools, and helping manage my cash flows.

I was dizzy the first time she took me to one of her family events. I marveled at the opulence with my mouth wide open. It lit a flame in my imagination and for the first time, I realized life could offer me a whole lot more than I had settled for. I didn’t even mind when her sister came around and with a face drenched in mockery said, “I see you have settled for one of our servants. What is he, the janitor?”

Members Only

After a few events and a couple of dates in expensive hotels, I got spoilt. My sugarless tea and my yams started tasting horrible. I could no longer stand the cold showers and the deafening noise in my shop gave me migraines.

It was a breath of fresh air when her dad came to my shop with an offer that felt like a dream. “You must worship a living God because your life is about to change, son,” he said with a poker face, and excitement colored my face. I was not only going to taste ambition but eat it with a big spoon. It felt incredible.

Things were rosy a year or so after our wedding. It didn’t start immediately or overwhelmingly. It started with crumbs here and there. You pick up a lot of things sitting in an exclusive club after a game of golf. I learned, for example, that I did not have to get home in time for supper, that I could get there whenever I wanted and hot food would still be waiting for me. I started by wetting my toes. One late night every week. Before it became two, three and I lost count.

I also picked up whiskey and I realized that I enjoyed it better when she served it to me silently without buzzing in my ear about couple’s therapy, so I began raising my voice at her whenever she did, as if she were partially deaf and she could only hear me when my voice was ten octaves higher.

My humble mechanic days thinned into the background and my courage became obese. I rented an apartment for a mistress and on some months, I never showed up for entire weeks at a time. She confronted me, of course, many times. I think I said something offhand, something I had picked up in the club. “Don’t question me unless you wear the trousers in this house.”

The night she poisoned my whiskey I did not hear much besides shuffling feet and fading voices.

“Mom, I think I killed him.”

“I thought you loved him?”

“I did, before he became a fool.”

“Honey, you can put a monkey in a suit but you can’t buy it class.”

Were the final words I heard before the lights went off and darkness engulfed me.